Laguna Beach – Where Are They Now?

Posted by: Alex

I was recently channel surfing and as I passed by E!, I noticed that they were about to take a commercial break from a special about Kristen Cavallari, aptly titled, Kristen Cavallari. My immediate thought was, “Is she dead?” Because why else would there be a special about Kristen Cavallari happening right now? Or ever, for that matter? I still haven’t answered that question, and I watched almost the whole thing. (To be fair, I always think everyone is dead when I see commercials. Remember that commercial where it starts out as a home video of kids opening their toys on Christmas, but then it switches to them happily playing at a water park or something? Each time I see that commercial, which is a million times, I say confidently, “those kids are dead.” And then about 15 seconds later, I say “Oh, wait. I’ve seen this. They’re just happier now that they’re at the water park.”)

Let’s get back to Kristen, now.

The special ended up basically being a tell-all about MTV and reality television and how it’s all bullshit. She outed Laguna Beach and The Hills on every plotline: Kristen was cast as the mean girl, even though she’s “very nice” in real life (if you have to say how nice you are, you’re probably not that nice); she didn’t really know Lauren Conrad outside of the show; Lauren and Stephen’s relationship was completely forced in order to create a love triangle between Stephen, Kristen, and Lauren; Kristen’s friends were bribed with $1,000 bags to insinuate, in front of the cameras, that Kristen was using drugs; the characters were constantly on their phones because producers were texting them with exactly what to say. The list went on and on. As someone who loves contoversial Hollywood dirt, I appreciated this special greatly and was thrilled to tell my husband that everything we had ever known was false. But the other part of me, the part that really likes believing that reality television is telling the truth, was a little shattered. A girl can only take so much, you know?

After the initial shell shock subsided, this special brought back many happy memories of naively watching Laguna Beach and The Hills week after week. It also made me wonder what has happened to all my bff’s! I mean…these reality characters that are not real. Let’s take a look, shall we?

Who Runs the World?…Justin Timberlake Does.

Posted by: Alex

Something dawned on me as I watched Justin Timberlake become a “5-timer” on Saturday Night Live last week – how is Justin Timberlake so mother$&!%ing talented and when did he start plotting to take over the universe? Let’s recap and find out.

Academy Awards Highs and Lows

Posted by: Alex

When the Academy Awards started on Sunday, I was all amped up like I usually am on Oscar night. We typically host a tiny Oscar party, but this year we decided to keep it to just the two of us, as we would need to DVR the whole thing so we could pause it while we attempt to put our baby to sleep. We knew this would require approximately 400 pauses, so we chose not to host this time around. Instead, we ate Chinese take-out (we search for any excuse to have Chinese take-out in our house. “Ooh, the SAG awards are on! We should eat Chinese.” “Ooh, looks like Stassi might be an asshole again tonight on Vanderpump Rules. Guess we should eat Chinese,” etc.) and sat around in our comfies to watch the show.

I set up my computer in preparation for the funnies that would pour out of me as I watched the drama unfold. But as Seth McFarlane started his monologue, I noticed that my fingers were hunched over the keyboard, ready to type, and nothing was happening. I had nothing funny to say because I wasn’t thinking any funny thoughts. I was mostly thinking, “Huh. That is sort of amusing what he just said. I don’t think it’s hilarious or shocking, but I also don’t think it’s ridiculously stupid and embarrassing. I just think it’s fine.” And I felt that way throughout the entire broadcast. Seth McFarlane didn’t bomb the whole thing, he just kept it safe. He did enough to not be known as the next Dave Letterman (“Uma, Oprah. Oprah, Uma.” I actually think this joke was given a bad rap. It’s kind of amusing, if you think about it! Uma and Oprah. What kooky names. See? Is it funny now that I’ve explained it like that?), but not enough to be Billy “I’m here to save the day” Crystal. And I hope his prediction is correct that Amy Poehler and Tina Fey will host next year, because that would be maj-ah, as Victoria Beckham would say.

So instead of a play by play, I’m offering some of my highs and lows. Keep in mind that many of my lows might be your highs, and vice versa. For instance, I have a deep dislike for Anne Hathaway that stems from nowhere, and these negative feelings tend to taint everything she says and does. But some people like Anne! Like, really like her! Not even as a practical joke on me! On the other hand, I love Barbra Streisand. Some people, for some reason, do not feel the same affinity towards Babs. I get that. But keep these things in mind, going forward.