Who Runs the World?…Justin Timberlake Does.

15 Mar

jt snl

Posted by: Alex

Something dawned on me as I watched Justin Timberlake become a “5-timer” on Saturday Night Live last week – how is Justin Timberlake so mother$&!%ing talented and when did he start plotting to take over the universe? Let’s recap and find out.

Justin started in the entertainment world as a member of the Mickey Mouse Club.

Here's little Justin with my boyfriend Ryan.

Here’s little Justin with my boyfriend Ryan.

Soon after Justin left “da club”, as I call it, he met the angel Lou Pearlman and became a member of the band that Backstreet Boys most wanted to stab with a knife, ‘N Sync.

"Lookin' good!" said 1995.

“Lookin’ good!” said 1995.

This time in Justin’s life mostly involved sporting his ridiculously curly hair and wearing douchy sunglasses and sweaters on a regular basis. And I think if we expanded this picture, his girlfriend at the time, pre-damaged Britney Spears, would be next to him in some type of adorable cowgirl outfit. It’s shocking, I know, but I’ve never been much of a boy band aficionado, so I didn’t pay a lot of attention to ‘N Sync or to Justin. And I preferred Lance Bass, anyway, because he seemed the least intimidating. The other guys looked like they might attack me in a park or something.

I mean, which one of these guys would you want to run into during a nighttime jog in Central Park? Am I right?

I mean, which one of these guys would you want to run into during a nighttime jog in Central Park. Am I right?

Then Justin broke free of the boy band and went solo. He was the clear star (that weird looking one never stood a chance. And I’m not even talking about Joey Fatone. I’m talking about the WEIRD LOOKING ONE), so that was bound to happen. He broke up with Britney, which broke America’s heart, and recorded Cry Me A River to tell us all about how she is the worst. It was probably out of frustration that they were both so dedicated to remaining virgins. You know, because they wore those promise rings and were just so very honestly virginal.

Next on JT’s planned takeover of our universe was performing at the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show with Janet Jackson. And we all know what happened there: he and Janet Jackson performed music at the pause of a popular sporting event for millions of viewers. I just said that. I don’t get why I needed to say it again. Oh! And he “accidentally” pulled Janet Jackson’s costume off and exposed her booby. If there was anything ever that was blown way out of proportion, this was it. Justin and Janet had to apologize, and I’m sure Tipper Gore had a lot to say about it and blah blah blah, everyone sees boobs everywhere get over it. It was done on purpose to cause a controversy, and it did just that. And this was during one of Janet’s super in-shape phases, so she probably wanted to show off all of her hard work! That last sentence was “accidentally” sexist.

After that, JT took a break from music to begin his plot to take over acting. He starred in a bunch of movies you and I have never seen, but he didn’t want people to forget that he’d taken over music, so a few years later he recorded the album FutureSex/LoveSounds. From that album, the jam Sexy Back was born, stamping its way into our hearts, via deejay’s at wedding receptions, from now until eternity. Well played, JT!! He also recorded this song, which is my personal fave.

Then Justin put his dick in a box on Saturday Night Live, literally, and became the darling of SNL we know and love today. And this brings us back full circle because what goes around, comes around, everybody. (Do you see what I did there?)  Justin joined up with Adam Sandberg on this SNL Digital Short in 2006 (What?!?!?! Where is time going?!?! I thought that just happened a year ago! Maybe two! Life is slipping away so fast, everyone. Oh my god. Go hug a loved one) and it turned into a phenomenon. The video received about 35 million views and Justin and Adam won an Emmy. For a song called Dick in a Box. I still love this video  many years later and could watch it a million times over.

Here’s what happened next: JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE PROVED THAT HE’S HYSTERICALLY FUNNY AND HE TOOK OVER SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE. I mean, what the hell? He became one of my favorite hosts immediately, right up there with Alec Baldwin and Christopher Walken. Remember the Beyonce Single Ladies skit? He wasn’t even hosting that night! He just came on and took over like a boss!

So bringing it all back around again, Justin hosted SNL last Saturday and, once again, killed it. Here was my favorite skit of the night:

And here is my other favorite, which I’m posting because it was one of those skits shown right at the end, so you assume it sucks, but I thought it was very funny.

Justin, you are so cute and funny and good at singing and good at owning restaurants and you seem like a really great friend and you date and marry pretty girls and you attend balls with people who ask you out over the internet and I just really like you and I want you to be my leader and I’ll do whatever you say and…oh no.

5 Responses to “Who Runs the World?…Justin Timberlake Does.”

  1. We Are The Andrews Family March 15, 2013 at 11:29 am #

    Summer is just around the corner!! Which makes me happy because, well- you know. #girlscan’tgetpregnantinthesummer #science

    • athed March 18, 2013 at 12:12 pm #

      I totally think you can’t get pregnant in the summertime. I love science!

  2. Camacho March 16, 2013 at 7:04 pm #

    I didn’t think it was possible to love you more, Alex… but after this broadcouching review, I have to admit, you may have single-handedly drawn me to crush on an ‘Nsync-er. (I am a NKOTB devotee.) Thank you for making me discover such fresh artists like Justin and Craigy. I love you so much all ready and you constantly surprise me. Like the way that Downtown Abbey chick died and I thought, ‘No! She’s the prettiest one!!!’ Never mind. Yo mama knows whats I means. I heart you, Alex. – Camacho

    • athed March 18, 2013 at 12:14 pm #

      We get eachother. Love you, Camacho!!


  1. My Desperate Attempt to Channel Warm Weather | broadcouching - April 26, 2013

    […] hit single. And those 6 minutes are really good, so it’s worth listening to the whole thing here. Love you, JT. Love […]

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