Tina! Amy! Clooney! The kid from “Annie!” It’s the Golden Globes!

12 Jan

Tina and Amy Golden Globes-lg

– It’s the Golden Globes! The awards ceremony when we not only honor film and television, but we watch celebrities drink endless free champagne! I love this sacred evening.

– Tina and Amy are killing it already. The joke about North Korea forcing us all to pretend to want to see The Interview is very near and dear to my heart because I’m so goddamn sick of hearing about that goddamn movie.

– Steve Carrell just totally pulled a “yes, and” improv move by going along with the joke about him being a psycho like his character in Foxcatcher. I know that, because I watched the episode of The Office when Michael Scott does improv. Full circle!

The-Office-Michael-Sott-Unicorn

– The joke about Amal Alamuddin’s husband getting a lifetime achievement award, even though she’s the half of the couple who has actually achieved real things, deserved a standing ovation because it was so brilliant.

– I keep having to stop typing because I’m clapping my hands together and laughing at all the jokes. And my face is in a childlike perma-grin. I feel young again.

– These Bill Cosby impersonations are so uncomfortable, and so right on.

– I pity the fools that host this show next year because Tiny and Amy are so perfect. I’ll tell you this – I hope it’s not Benedict Cumberbatch and Jennifer Aniston because this pairing is not working for me. And I think I just saw Aniston’s vagina as she lifted her skirt to walk up the stage. It looks so  young, despite its age! I hope it gets married soon, because you know, an old single vagina makes the world uncomfortable.

– Good for J.K. Simmons! Did he just win for those insurance commercials? I hope so, because although I don’t use Farmers Insurance, J.K. Simmons always makes me question whether I really am getting the best deals. Even more than Flo.

JK Farmers Insurance

– Just talking about Fifty Shades of Grey makes me into the biggest prude. Pull up your dress, Dakota Johnson, and go have missionary sex on a sensible bed with the lights off. And go to the bathroom right after to prevent a UTI. I beg you.

– Is that a piece of glitter I’m looking at, or Jennifer Lopez’s nipple? Also, hasn’t this dress been done already, JLo?

jennifer-lopez-golden-globes-2015

 

JLo Green Dress

– I haven’t watched the show Fargo yet, but I think I should since it’s winning awards and it’s based on one of my favorite movies of all-time. Has anyone watched it? It sure doesn’t look like the Coen brothers have. They signed that contract, got those dolla bills, and were all, “Sorry, The Voice is on. Can’t tune in.”

– I’m fairly positive Jennifer Lopez can and should sue Jeremy Renner for the sexual harassment that just occurred.

– Oh, I feel bad that Angelina Jolie sunk so low as to marry Brad Pitt after she could have stayed with Billy Bob Thornton. I mean, half his hair is grey and the other half is…brownish.

– I wish Birdman was a sequel to Mr. Mom where Michael Keaton is now a grandfather and he’s no longer tending to the housework, but focusing on his bird watching.

Shut up kids, there's a golden finch in that tree.

Shut up kids, there’s a golden finch in that tree.

– “Do it for us, Meryl. You love Korea, everybody knows it.”

– Should I be worried that I have written the word ‘Korea’ twice on this blog? Am I on a list somewhere now? In Korea? Gah! Stop writing it, Alex!

– So free speech gets a standing ovation, but Tina’s joke about Clooney’s wife doesn’t get one? America.

– God I love Colin Firth. Even slightly older looking, he is every woman’s dream.

Oh yeah. That's the stuff.

Oh yeah. That’s the stuff.

– I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, Kerry Washington and Drew Barrymore share the same lisp. And it’s much more charming on Kerry Washington. On Drew, it’s kind of a schtick.

Jane the Virgin was seated so far into the nosebleeds that she actually had to walk around the back of the stage to get on. P.S. I wanted to watch this show until Gina Rodriguez started the speech by saying “Thank you, God, for making me an artist” while crying. I mean, come on. You don’t need to be the Anne Hathaway of winners right now. But I am happy for you, despite how self-important this speech keeps getting.

– Have I ever told you how I saw Bryan Cranston on the street once in New York? Oh I have? I guess I forgot. I promise I won’t do it again…until the next time he’s on a screen and I’m talking about it.

– I very badly want to watch Transparent. Jeffrey Tambor is a genius. And they just made a genius walk through the back of the stage like the last girl to get his award. This is getting embarrassing, Golden Globes.

– Wait, Judith Light is on Transparent? So, who’s the boss on this show?!? I want to watch it even more now!

It's Mona. The answer is always Mona.

It’s Mona. The answer is always Mona.

– Sookie! I mean, Melissa McCarthy. I’ve been watching a lot of Gilmore Girls lately, so my brain isn’t right. Now I need to go to the local diner and get a coffee from Luke so I can stay awake with my teenage daughter to watch the rest of this program.

– Vince Vaughn, the celeb love of my life, is looking GOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDD. Like, Swingers-era good! Me-ow, Vince! Can’t wait for True Detective, season 2.

Okay, maybe not quite as good as Swingers, but still very good.

Okay, maybe not quite as good as “Swingers,” but still very good.

– Dan just said, “He looks hungry.” And that’s why Dan is the real-life love of my life.

– People go apeshit for Prince. As well they should. You’re welcome, celebrities – we let him leave our state to grace your stage for a mere few minutes. Side note: shouldn’t his cane be gold like the rest of his outfit?

– Oprah and Stedman are still together! That’s nice.

Common is giving the most beautiful and powerful speech right now, and the cameraman is like, “hmm..what’s Prince up to? Let’s look at Prince right now instead.” Awkward.

– Keep up the good work with getting back to normal, Katie Holmes. It’s paying off.

– Colin Hanks looks EXACTLY like Tom Hanks. I just had an idea – what if every Tom Hanks romantic comedy was re-made with Colin Hanks? Would they still be magical? You know you’re curious. Don’t give me that look.

Tom-and-Colin-Hanks

Clive Owen sure is wearing a velvet jacket.

– I know I’m just showing how few things I’ve actually watched this year, but I would also desperately like to see The Theory of Everything.

– But in other news, here comes Ricky Gervais with a glass of wine! My heart is aflutter!

– Amy Adams won. Do you know why I like her? It’s not because she’s a talented actress, it’s because I’ve seen her legs, and they’re very pale like mine. Since we’re both from MN, that is how I know we’re similar people and why I must always defend her.

The color of her legs just feels like home.

The color of her legs just feels like home.

– I would not want to be Kelsey Grammar’s daughter, even it got me my dream job, the girl who walks people off the stage at an awards show. Mmm-mmm. No, siree.

– Selma Hayek doesn’t know what to do with Kevin Hart, other than imagine killing him.

– I once saw a college production of Into the Woods so I probs don’t need to see the movie. No offense, Streep, but sophomore Kate Wicket, ’06, did a fine job. I’m not sure there’s anything else you could offer to the role that I haven’t already seen.

– Wow! Patricia Arquette beat out a lot of good people! I’m so pleased for her. Have you seen Boyhood yet? You should. Get off of your smartphone for one damn second, then ignore your child, and go see a movie about raising a child.

– Also, I love Patricia’s speech. It was the sweetest and most genuine. And you can quote me on that.

– I am thoroughly enjoying this Margaret Cho bit.

– I am crying laughing at Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader. And they are too, which is very validating.

– I cannot listen to this Family of the Year song without tearing up. And they use it every time Boyhood comes on the screen, which is why I’m now like that Pavlovian dog. Yeah, I’m bringing academics into this. I did go to college, you know.

If I were a dog, I'd be Odie!

If I were a dog, I’d be Odie!

– I am loving Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda, except that Lily Tomlin accidentally said Don Cheadle is in House of Cards rather than House of Lies. Wait, maybe I like her more for that. I can’t decide.

– Jeffrey Tambor won again! Maybe they should have seated him closer than the back row. (I will say that his wife is 22 years old, but that does not make me like him less. She looks very lovely and nice. And so fresh and well rested).

– Maggie Gyllanhal is darling. Isn’t it weird that Jake Gyllenhal is her brother AND her date? A lot of women would give a million dollars to date their brothers!

– I am INTO Tina Fey’s sexy tux outfit!

– I’ve never even heard of The Affair. This is like the tree falling in the forest question. Can a show really win an award if I’ve never heard of it? I guess the answer is yes. So, now we’ve just answered the tree in the forest question – yes, a tree can fall in the forest.

– I think the most fascinating part of this entire show is seeing who smiles at the woman leading the actors along from backstage. As a Minnesotan, I think it is Stephanie Tanner style rude not to give a smile or “thank you.” Who are you, the Queen of England?

Stephanie-Tanner-Full-House-How-Rude1

– Catherine Zeta-Jones has had no plastic surgery!…said no one ever. (Nice one, Alex! You zinged her good!)

– Katherine Heigl and David Duchovny? Who thought it was a good idea to pair the sex addict with the ticking time bomb? A genius, that’s who!

– Kevin Spacey is owning the place. Kevin Spacey does whatever the fuck Kevin Spacey wants to do.

This is how much I care that I dropped the F-bomb on your awards show. I'm Kevin Spacey. Deal with it.

This is how much I care that I dropped the F-bomb on your awards show. I’m Kevin Spacey. Deal with it.

– I love watching the celebrities schmoozing during commercials. They’re just friends, talkin ’bout life, like it’s not even a thing.

– Wait, why weren’t Julianna Margulies and Don Cheadle invited to George Clooney’s wedding? That’s just impolite.

Stephanie-Tanner-Full-House-How-Rude1

– George Clooney is a true movie star. And again, you can quote me on that.

The Grand Budapest Hotel will not win, but it was very, very good. I just…feel like I want to say that.

– Nothing makes me happier than the fact that Richard Linklater just won Best Director. His speech was perfect. Aright, aright, aright.

– The world would be such a funny place if we were all married to Chris Pratt. That will be my final quote of the night.

– Ruth Wilson and Emma Stone look a lot alike. And she seems just as cool as Emma Stone, but in a British fashion. I don’t know what I mean by that. Cool…but possibly with worse teeth?

Ruth Wilson

Emma Stone

– Yay Michael Keaton! Standing o! We are very happy in our home. And, let’s all take this moment to remember that he was the best Batman. Even better than Val Kilmer.

– Oprah and Gayle are still together! That’s nice.

– I’m excited to see Foxcatcher. I hear Channing Tatum strips! Or is that a different movie?

Foxcatcher

 

No, these are both definitely from the same movie.

No, these are both definitely from the same movie.

The Grand Budapest Hotel won! Who knew?!? Wes Anderson thanking the members of the foreign press was a highlight. It was just so…Wes Anderson.

Boyhood won Best Picture and I’m so happy. Not just because it’s a wonderful movie, but because I finally saw a movie that won Best Picture before it won. It can’t get any better than that.

See you all at the Oscars!

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4 Responses to “Tina! Amy! Clooney! The kid from “Annie!” It’s the Golden Globes!”

  1. Julia Westhoff January 12, 2015 at 12:42 pm #

    Ha ha – this is great, Alex. BTW – you totally need to see Transparent. One of the best tv shows I’ve seen in a long time…

    • Alex January 12, 2015 at 1:33 pm #

      Thanks, Julia! And yes, I need to watch it!!

  2. Cynthia French January 12, 2015 at 1:46 pm #

    I read this whole thing just to leave the comment that I don’t care if my old single vagina makes the world uncomfortable.

    • Alex January 12, 2015 at 1:48 pm #

      The world doesn’t know how to respond to that! It’s twirling out of control!!

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