Academy Awards Highs and Lows

1 Mar

Oscars 2013

Posted by: Alex

When the Academy Awards started on Sunday, I was all amped up like I usually am on Oscar night. We typically host a tiny Oscar party, but this year we decided to keep it to just the two of us, as we would need to DVR the whole thing so we could pause it while we attempt to put our baby to sleep. We knew this would require approximately 400 pauses, so we chose not to host this time around. Instead, we ate Chinese take-out (we search for any excuse to have Chinese take-out in our house. “Ooh, the SAG awards are on! We should eat Chinese.” “Ooh, looks like Stassi might be an asshole again tonight on Vanderpump Rules. Guess we should eat Chinese,” etc.) and sat around in our comfies to watch the show.

I set up my computer in preparation for the funnies that would pour out of me as I watched the drama unfold. But as Seth McFarlane started his monologue, I noticed that my fingers were hunched over the keyboard, ready to type, and nothing was happening. I had nothing funny to say because I wasn’t thinking any funny thoughts. I was mostly thinking, “Huh. That is sort of amusing what he just said. I don’t think it’s hilarious or shocking, but I also don’t think it’s ridiculously stupid and embarrassing. I just think it’s fine.” And I felt that way throughout the entire broadcast. Seth McFarlane didn’t bomb the whole thing, he just kept it safe. He did enough to not be known as the next Dave Letterman (“Uma, Oprah. Oprah, Uma.” I actually think this joke was given a bad rap. It’s kind of amusing, if you think about it! Uma and Oprah. What kooky names. See? Is it funny now that I’ve explained it like that?), but not enough to be Billy “I’m here to save the day” Crystal. And I hope his prediction is correct that Amy Poehler and Tina Fey will host next year, because that would be maj-ah, as Victoria Beckham would say.

So instead of a play by play, I’m offering some of my highs and lows. Keep in mind that many of my lows might be your highs, and vice versa. For instance, I have a deep dislike for Anne Hathaway that stems from nowhere, and these negative feelings tend to taint everything she says and does. But some people like Anne! Like, really like her! Not even as a practical joke on me! On the other hand, I love Barbra Streisand. Some people, for some reason, do not feel the same affinity towards Babs. I get that. But keep these things in mind, going forward.


Jennifer Lawrence Fall

– Like I said, Seth McFarlane’s opening didn’t really do it for me…until the boobs song. “Do you hate your own gender?” you’d like to ask me. I do not, I would reply. I got the joke, though, and since some A-list actresses decided to be a part of the gag, I felt I could laugh at it. And laugh I did. He said ‘boobs!’

Charlize Theron and Channing Tatum dancing. I mean, it was a little cheesy, but Channing’s look of determination to do it well was so endearing and sweet that I couldn’t help but love it. His mike is magic.

The Sally Field and Seth McFarlane bit was pretty genius, I will admit.

The homage to musicals. Although I feel like there were quite a few options left out (I can’t actually think of any recent musicals, so I might be lying for the sake of lying), I thought the live performances were really nice. And I will give her this – Anne Hathaway’s dress during the Les Mis section was GORGEOUS. I wish that had been her actual dress for the ceremony. And I haven’t seen the movie, but had heard that Russell Crowe couldn’t sing. It was fun to see that in action!

Barbra Streisand’s ode to Marvin Hamlisch. People that know me well are aware that I have a thing for Barbra Streisand. It’s not quite as big as my thing for other people (Julie Andrews, namely. That’s bordering on unhealthy), but we have a history. The Way We Were is one of my favorite movies and songs (Robert Redford looking perfect? Barbra being Barbra and making out with Robert? Please. Don’t get me started), so I should have seen this performance coming, but I didn’t. AND IT BLEW MY MIND.

– Three winners stood out to me: Adele, Jennifer Lawrence, and Ben Affleck. Adele is just so unbelievably humble and down to earth. Maybe it’s a front and she is an incredible diva who demands only pink Starbursts in her trailer, fed to her by a certain rare kind of monkey. But I don’t think so, guys. I think she’s the real deal. And I love her. Jennifer Lawrence is the same way. She is as low key as it gets. On the red carpet she not only dropped the f-bomb, but she said that she did a shot of whiskey with her family to get ready. And then she tripped going up the stairs to accept her award!! (Shout out to Hugh Jackman for being a gentleman and trying to help her, btw). She then called out everyone for giving her a standing ovation by saying they were only doing it because they felt bad for her tripping, which was true. I can’t say enough how she might be my favorite actress in Hollywood. And I hope she’s dating Bradley Cooper and that it’s not just a rumor that I may have made up.

Lastly, I loved Ben Affleck’s crazy, frantic speech when Argo won best picture. If you haven’t seen it, check it out here. I love that he brought up his best director snub in a classy way; I love remembering him winning his first Oscar a million years ago with Matt Damon; I love that he acknowledges how well people treated him, even when he couldn’t offer them anything in return; and I love that he thanked Jennifer Garner by saying that “marriage is work” and then babbling in a weird way to dig himself out of it. It was an all-around cluster, and I loved every second of his very well deserved acceptance speech. (Have you seen Argo, by the way? You should. Don’t run to see it, but go see it at a fast clip).

– Jack Nicholson. Need I say more? (I chose this video because it’s even better).

Jack Nicholson


Most of Seth McFarlane’s jokes. He was trying to push boundaries, but kept apologizing for it. You could tell he wasn’t proud of his material. The key is either to stand by your schtick, even if it bombs, or keep it light. Either go Ricky Gervais or go Ellen DeGeneres. You can’t be in between.

– Pretty much everyone’s scripts prior to presenting awards. I love both Melissa McCarthy and Paul Rudd, but what the hell were they even talking about? I couldn’t follow any joke and no one was laughing in the audience, and it went on forever, and oh god I just wanted it to end. And it just kept getting worse! Every 10 minutes or so, I was muttering, “I don’t get it.” It was like there was some long running inside joke that the audience wasn’t in on. And I don’t want to be left out! Wah!!!

The James Bond montage. What was even happening? Halle Berry came out, jumbled some monologue, and then they showed what seemed like thousands of clips because they were all 0.000000001 second long. And then it was over.

Anne Hathaway’s acceptance speech. Anne, Anne, Anne, Anne. I knew you would win and I’m sure you deserved to win, but here’s the thing, Anne – we’re not on Inside the Actor’s Studio here. You’re just talking. You can take a break from being the most dramatic person this side of Tyne Daly. Good grief. Take a note from Jennifer Lawrence and TONE IT THE F DOWN.

A lowlight that was actually a highlight for me because of what was just said:

Please go straight to 4m, 30sec. She goes from almost crying to gleeful and chipper in the blink of an eye! This, alone, deserves another nomination.

2 Responses to “Academy Awards Highs and Lows”

  1. Miriam March 4, 2013 at 4:48 pm #

    So I’m sure you already saw this one but I love it even more than the fall!!!

    • athed March 5, 2013 at 9:48 am #

      This is the video I linked to in the post! I LOVE it!

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