2014 Academy Awards! (Or That One Time John Travolta Messed Up Idina Menzel’s Name).

3 Mar

Ellen Oscars

– I thought that there was a large group of children behind Ellen when she was coming on stage, but it’s just a lot of fake Oscar statues. Sorry, random 3rd grade choir in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I guess this just wasn’t your year.

– Poor Liza Minnelli! She looks good! What is this, a celebrity roast, Ellen DeGeneres? Liza is a legend who should be respected.

– Wow, John Travolta has magically aged backwards by 44 years. It’s an Academy Awards miracle!

– I bet Meryl Streep always gets front row at the Oscars. Even when she’s not nominated, which I think happened once.

– Couldn’t you have put your hair into a low pony, Jared Leto? Or like an off to the side chignon? Or wash it, at least? This is the Oscars, not your band’s show at CBGB’s, or whatever.

This is basically what he looked like in my head.

This is basically what he looked like in my head.

– Oh, hello Anne Hathaway. We meet again. How I haven’t missed you since last year.

– Oh my God, Jared Leto looks like he lost 100 lbs. to play that character in Dallas Buyer’s Club. He weighed 14 lbs. And did he just drop his band’s name in his acceptance speech? Come on, man.

– Do you know why I can’t respect Jim Carrey, even though he can make his mouth do such funny things when he talks? I’m going to tell you why  in two words – Jenny. F-ing. McCarthy (I added a third, last minute). He dated that crazy town for years, and that is simply unforgivable.

– We’re watching a whole retrospective on animated heroes? Really? And as Dan pointed out, “Are they just showing each of The Incredibles?”

– Kerry Washington is beyond adorable and I have finally realized why her voice sounds so familiar. She speaks EXACTLY like Drew Barrymore. EXACTLY. Enjoy your ignorance now, because you’ll never hear her the same way again.

– I don’t like this Pharrell song (I know, I’m the worst), but I am enjoying these child triple threats who are really over the top expressing while they dance. I also really like the walk down the front row when Lupita Nyong’o and Meryl Streep were really cute dancing with Pharrell, and Amy Adams was an awkward attention whore.

– Naomi Watts is one of those actresses that I could not tell you LITERALLY any role she’s played or any movie she’s ever been in. Just a shot in the dark – a T-Mobile commercial maybe?

Unlimited weekend minutes make me jump for joy!

Unlimited weekend minutes make me jump for joy!

– I love seeing what the winner of Best Costume Design wears. Oh my gosh, this adorable Australian woman is married to Baz Luhrmann! (Nepotism, anyone? Anyone? No? Okay, that’s fine).

– I wanted so desperately for Samuel L. Jackson to say the words “And the Oscar goes to…Jackass.” But alas, I’ll have to wait another…never to hear those words.

– If Harrison Ford didn’t have that earring, I’d venture to call him older looking. But then I’m like, nope he’s got that earring on so he must still be young. I will venture to call him a little crazy, though. Not scary crazy, just teetering on Clint Eastwood at the Republican Caucus crazy. Like he’d prefer to talk to an empty chair.

Harrison Ford earring

– Hey, let’s rub it in that Bradley Cooper lost by reminding him that he lost. That’s nice.

– Kim Novak is 81 and she looks like a 50 year old tiger woman. And not in a good way. Holy, plastic surgery. And she’s not speaking into the mic, so Matthew McConaughey keeps gently trying to move her over. The only person who looks pleased with this is John Travolta, and that’s because she’s probably his aging consultant. This is so awkward, I have to look down now. I wish I were Cher so I could turn back time and make it go away.

– Obviously Frozen is going to win. All I hear about is Frozen this and Frozen that. Granted, it was a 5 year old telling me about it, but still.

– Aww, Emma Watson and Joseph Gordon Levitt have great chemistry. They should date. Who’s with me? Let’s take a vote and make this happen!

– Hey, Best Visual Effects guy – I think your pals might want to say a word, too. Don’t be a Visual Effects spotlight hog.

– OMG, I love everything about Karen O. I love her voice, I love her dress, I love this song, I love Maps, I love when she yells, and I mostly love that she took her high heels off and they’re sitting next to her on the stage.

– I feel like I drank H8erade, but I don’t know if I think Ellen is doing a great job. In fact, she might be bombing a little bit. Her whole thing is to be really nice, right? And someone told her that her schtick for tonight should be mean jabs, which isn’t her. Please don’t H8erade me. I’m just being honest.

– I’m so uncomfortable with this woman singing her acceptance speech, but it looks like I’m the only one because she is now getting a standing ovation.

– Hey, I just watched half an episode of House of Cards, so I get the joke with Kevin Spacey’s weird southern accent! I love being on the inside of a joke. It’s very important to me.

– Here’s my beautiful Bono being beautiful once again. Have I told you guys about the time that he sang With or Without You just to me? I mean, there were obviously other people there, but he looked right at me the whole time. Well, not the whole time, but mainly during the chorus. And he was more just looking upwards, but I was in the section he was gazing at. It was memorable for both of us, I’m sure.

I see you, baby, I see you!

I see you, baby, I see you!

– And a standing O for U2! I wonder if Bono is thinking about me right now.

– I was actually mortified by this selfie bit until Jared Leto literally ran across the theater to be involved in it, which made me feel deeply satisfied (you can see him desperately poking his head in next to Jennifer Lawrence).

Ellen Tweet

– I love Jennifer Lawrence, but I am so happy for Lupita Nyong’o. She is very talented, looks so gorgeous, and her dress is my favorite. I’m choosing to ignore her uncomfortably muscular chest.

– I can’t believe Ellen is continuing with this pizza delivery bit. And now she’s just passing around pizza and napkins. While America watches.

– I could listen to Bill Murray talk all day. And an emotional shout out to Harold Ramis, no less! Amazing.

– I bet Anna Kendrick is just patiently waiting for the day that the cups song won’t play when she walks onto a stage. I know I am.

– This will come as no surprise to anyone, but when I was a kid I had an obsession with Judy Garland (my mom adores her, and we used to watch all of her movies together as early as I can remember. Also, her birthday was the day after  mine, so that somehow made me think I was her reborn soul. Maybe I should have just left it at that first story about me and my mom). Anyway, I can’t believe her kids (Liza with a Z, Lorna, and Joey) are all there! I feel weirdly emotional about it. Probably it’s because Judy is speaking to them right now through me, her reborn soul.

This is what I do in the mirror every morning! Coincidence? Doubtful.

This is what I do in the mirror every morning! Coincidence? Doubtful.

– I kind of like Jennifer Garner’s shimmy shiny dress. She looks like a high class go-go dancer. In the best way!

– Will Smith’s kid, Jayden or Kayden or whatever, is one of our culture’s most popular heroes? Did a young Kardashian put this montage together?

I'm a Jenner, not a Kardashian. Shut uuuuuppppp. Oh my goooooddddd.

I’m a Jenner, not a Kardashian. Shut uuuuuppppp. Oh my goooooddddd.

– I know I’ve said this before, but Glenn Close is such a poor man’s Meryl Streep.

– Bette Midler is singing Wind Beneath My Wings! This is my 7-year old self’s favorite song. It’s still so good.

– The audience is giving a standing ovation, and Bette is really soaking this in. In response, at the exact same time, Dan and I said “I think they’re clapping for the dead people, not you.” We’re like the same person.

– OKAY. John Travolta just introduced the “wickedly talented Adele Taslib.” I think you mean Idina Menzel, John. But don’t worry, no one’s heard of her, so I’m sure it won’t be noticed. Just to be sure, though, I’ll need to re-watch that moment 25 times. Yup! You made up nonsense words instead of wearing glasses and saying her name correctly off of the teleprompter. Just wanted to clarify.

– That performance was actually not very good, but Idina did the classic touch of her ear to show us all it was a sound problem, and not her issue. You’ll get em next time, Adele Taslib! Don’t you worry.

– I know they have kids, and they said really touching things about them, but this Best Original Score acceptance speech by the Frozen people is absolutely ridiculous. I’m trying to be a kinder person, though, so I wish them the best on all their future endeavors and that they never make a speech again.

– Spike Jonze won for Her! He is so adorable, I can’t stand it.

– Wow, Gravity has sure won everything. Where is Clooney? WHERE THE HELL IS CLOONEY?? (Seriously, he lives alone so does anyone know where he is?)

– Congrats, Matthew McConaughey! You get older, but the Oscar stays the same age. Also, this is an unexpected acceptance speech. You’re your own hero? And that son of a bitch just managed to say “Alright, alright, alright.”

Matthew McConaughey

– And the Oscar for Best Picture goes to… 12 Years a Slave. I’m so excited that Brad Pitt is speaking right now. I know that isn’t what I should be focusing on, but it is.

Well, another Academy Awards have come to an end. It’s been a lovely night, full of actors honoring their craft and honoring one another’s very large egos. I can’t wait for next year! Do you think they’ll still take themselves so seriously in 2015? We’ll have to wait and see!

Dawson seems to think so.

Dawson seems to think so.

2 Responses to “2014 Academy Awards! (Or That One Time John Travolta Messed Up Idina Menzel’s Name).”

  1. Annemarie March 3, 2014 at 11:44 pm #

    You articulate my own reactions so well I might be able to just outsource them to you. I appreciate the freebies on Broadcouching, but do you have a rate schedule for everyday life?

    1. Seen Frozen, it’s overrated. And, yeah, Child Protective Services should be notified about any parents that announce on national TV that they want their kids to grow up to be Disney princesses.
    2. Naomi Watts was in the Peter Jackson King Kong, I think. But that doesn’t mean anyone should see it. Ever.
    3. (sigh) Old people don’t fare well as Oscar presenters or as victims of a host ambush. What do I mean by “old?” John Travolta, Harrison Ford, Kim Novak, and Liza Minelli. Even if Travolta deserves the ensuing humiliation. I think it may be time to apply some judicious age discrimination in planning next year’s show.

    • athed March 4, 2014 at 10:11 am #

      These are all fantastic comments. And now I know a movie that Naomi Watts was in! And it makes me sad making fun of the old people because I love the old people, but I don’t like them looking bad, so I agree with you. That Kim Novak thing was CRAZY. That should never happen again. Never ever. And I’m so glad you liked the post!!

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