Tina and Amy! Oh, and the Golden Globes.

13 Jan

Tina and Amy 2014

– Here come Amy and Tina! OMG OMG OMG! They both look like beautiful mermaids that just washed ashore from the funniest, cutest ocean.

– I love the Golden Globes because everybody is drinking champagne and looks all tipsy and relaxed. If I could go to any awards show, I would go to this one. How do I apply to be a seat filler? Because I’ll start gathering my letters of recommendation now.

– BONO is there! Fucking BONO is there!!

– Bradley Cooper sure went tanning before the show. I’m pretty sure this is the Golden Globes, not a spring break trip to Mexico.

– That George Clooney zing was worth a standing O.

– I usually have nothing nice to say about Sandra Bullock, but I do like her dress and her side pony.

My typical reaction to Sandra Bullock is like PL Travers's reaction to Walt Disney, exhibited in this picture.

My typical reaction to Sandra Bullock is like PL Travers’s reaction to Walt Disney, exhibited in this picture.

– There goes Jennifer Lawrence winning every thing in the world, once again. Her makeup is not looking so hot, but her hair is perfect, and she’s so humble, and she’s so cool, and she does everything right, and she deserves all of the things.

– Mila Kunis is so unspeakably attractive. Dan and I are both in love with her.

– Go Monica Potter! Go Monica Potter! Please win! Please win!

– Next year, Monica Potter. Next year, Monica Potter.

– I guess I’m glad for Jacqueline Bisset, but this is taking way too long. At first, I’m so happy for those old actors/actresses who have been nominated 24 times and finally win, but when they announce right off the bat that they are going to ignore the fade you out music, I then feel so sad.

– I really want to see Behind the Candelabra. Liberace has always reminded me of myself.


– Ooh, lose the goatee Michael Douglas. Just because Catherine Z-J threw you out of the house doesn’t mean that you should let yourself go.

– Is this Naomi Watts or Cate Blanchett presenting? Are they the same person?

– I love that the camera keeps panning to any member of U2, just to see their reaction to every win. I mean, I’m grateful because I want to see it, but it’s still funny.

– I wonder if Robert Redford is having fun. I hope he is. Because if not, he could be on a horse in Utah, not giving a shit about this crap.

I'm too perfect for anything. Look at me.

I’m too perfect for anything. Look at me.

– I’m doing so badly on my Golden Globes ballot. I should have seen any movie or show that is nominated.

– Of course Gwyneth is opening up her fifth bottle of water, probably instead of eating the delicious meal or drinking the free alcohol. GO TO HELL, GWYNETH.

– I love teleprompter errors! They’re so awkward and awful and entertaining and wonderful.

– I really want to see The Wolf of Wall Street. The plot really reminds me of my life.

Wolf of Wall Street

– Who is Paula Patton, and why is her dress the worst thing I’ve ever seen? I can see your nipple and something fluffy is growing out of your shoulder.

– Dan and I are debating if we just looked at Michael Sheen and his daughter or Michael Sheen and his girlfriend. I’m going with girlfriend. It’s always a girlfriend.

– I am so happy that Bryan Cranston won! I saw the finale of Breaking Bad, so I have the right to say that he deserves it more than the other actors. Especially since I’ve never seen one episode of the other shows.

– If I were there, I’d scream “I love you and I love Malcolm In the Middle!”

Bryan Cranston

– Get back up there, Crazy Cranston – your show just won, too! You big galoot.

– It sure takes a long time for people to get to the stage when they’re seated in the nose bleeds, Breaking Bad cast.

– Seeing Bradley Cooper laughing it up with Joaquin Phoenix makes me nervous for Bradley Cooper’s sobriety.

– I need to see Philomena. I want to see Judi Dench say things and be amazing.

– Usher, P. Diddy, and Kate Beckinsale: a trio I’ve only imagined in my brain. Until now. And seriously, is Kate Beckinsale a robot? A perfect looking robot woman?

– I really like that this hippie composer from Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros just reminded P. Diddy that they partied together on a boat in St. Bart’s. That situation reminds me of the time I did the same thing.

That's me behind the bottle.

That’s me behind the bottle.

– Of course U2 won! Oh my god, I love them so much. I also love that Idris Elba stood up and hugged them all. Sidenote: I’ve been calling him Adiris Elba, so I’m glad I just said his name out loud in a safe place, so my husband could politely correct me.

– Bono is so beautiful. They’re just all so beautiful. They never age. This is like some Benjamin Button shit.

– There are three young people on the stage presenting from a show called Chicago Fire, which I have never heard of. And yes, I just called them young people. I get that phrase, as of right now.

– Angelina Jolie is at home, throwing her detox cleanse at the screen because her estranged father, Jon Voigt, just won. I hope it spilled all over the floor so she has to eat a sandwich. It’s just like me to always find the silver lining!

– Of course Olivia Wilde only looks pregnant in her stomach and in her boobs. I looked pregnant in my stomach, my butt, my boobs, my head, my face, my brain, my legs, my elbows. You name it.

– I so badly want to see Her. That one I really mean.

– Robert Downey Jr. is so sexy. Everyone loves him. He really reminds me of myself.

Robert Downey Jr

– I picked Meryl Streep for Best Actress because it’s Meryl Streep, but I know it’s going to Amy Adams.

– And it went to Amy Adams. I’m 10% satisfied that I was right, but 90% disappointed because I’m really stinking it up on my ballot, so I need a win right now. This won’t be the first time in my life Meryl will let me down.

– Amy Adams is so sweet and also deserves all of the things. She’s just so goddamned lovable.

– Poor Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick. They need so much money after Bernie Madoff took it all. I wonder if their daughter gets paid to be the celebrity daughter usher, and if she will give the money to them.

If you care about your parents at all, you won't screw this up for them.

If you care about your parents at all, you won’t screw this up for them. They’ve been through too much already.

– Robin Wright, I can see your side boob tape. And so can Sean Pean. Don’t let him be the real winner tonight.

– Remember when Jim Carrey was just a Fly Girl on In Living Color?

– Bradley Cooper was just whispering something to Jennifer Lawrence as his  nomination was announced, and Jennifer replied with “Oh, fuck them” and then got a big grin when she saw the camera. She’s sassy and perfect, even when she doesn’t think anyone is watching!

– Don’t you just want Emma Thompson to be your best friend? She takes off her shoes and carries her martini up on stage! She’s so fun.

– Spike Jonze couldn’t be more of an adorable man-boy.

Am I a man? Or am I boy. I can't tell.

Am I a man? Or am I boy. I can’t tell.

– Seth Myers is such a charmer. I hope his talk show doesn’t fail. Sometimes I say that and I’m smiling because I mean the opposite, but this time I mean what I’m saying and I look very serious.

– Andy Samberg just won a Golden Globe?!? Dan asked what we’re all thinking: “Is that show supposed to be good?” I guess?

– OMG, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon were just talking during the commercial! That means the world not only to me, but to all of America.

– Aw, snap. I accidentally picked the anime movie as Best Foreign Language Picture. I’m screwed. I really need to read up on this stuff before I make my picks.

– I think everyone is disappointed that Matt Damon didn’t beat Michael Douglas because they wanted this Melissa McCarthy bit to keep going.

– I absolutely love Frances McDormand and that she lives life au naturel, but I don’t think it would kill her to put on a spot of lipstick, just on awards day.

Look at how pretty you look with a little rouge and a little powder, Frances?

Look at how pretty you look with a little rouge and a little powder, Frances.

– Amy Poehler won Best Actress! And not only did she win an award, but she got to make out with Bono, so she won at life! I’m so full of joy for her!!

– Diane Keaton and her suits never get old to me. But one question – is she accepting Woody Allen’s Cecil B. DeMille award on his behalf, or is she the second person presenting him with the award? Her speech is not giving me any hints. I feel very lost. And I can tell by everyone’s faces that they are equally confused.

– Fast forward 2 minutes, and we now know that Diane Keaton is accepting this award. And now she’s singing. I’m uncomfortable, but I also love it, for some reason.

– Kevin Bacon’s daughter seemed a little too eager to touch Ben Affleck and usher him off the stage. Cool your jets, Soccer, or whatever your name is. Jennifer Garner might be home with their 10 kids tonight, but that don’t mean you can be all up on her man.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine just won a Golden Globe?!? Please repeat my above comment made when Andy Samberg won. P.S. You don’t wear your hipster glasses with your awards show gown, girl doing that from the show.

– Yeah yeah, good for you Leonardo DiCaprio, but did anyone notice that Joaquin Phoenix is sitting with River Phoenix’s mom???

– Reese Witherspoon doesn’t really do it for me anymore. Although, when she and her husband got arrested and she repeatedly asked the cop if he knew who she was, it ironically didn’t make me like her any more.

Screw you and your perfect mugshot.

Screw you and your perfect mugshot.

– We know you’re pregnant, Drew Barrymore, but I have a feeling there were other dress options out there for you. I don’t think you needed to find a sheer nightgown, and glue paper flowers all over it.

– Don’t you want Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper to get married?!? I’m about to write some fan fiction about that shit. Their chemistry is palpable!

– “And now, like a supermodel’s vagina, let’s give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio.” Tina Fey, for the win.

– Emma Thompson deserves the Best Actress award. Have you seen Saving Mr. Banks? She is so good. And I’m not just saying that because the movie deals indirectly with Julie Andrews, but that IS the reason that it is the only movie I have seen in a theater since 2012.


Robert Redford 2

– While I only scored 9 out of 25 on the Golden Globes ballot, Dan only scored 8 out of 25, which makes me the reigning champion. And, in the end, me winning is what this night is all about.

See you at the Oscars, folks!

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