Once Again, I Watched the MTV VMA’s So You Don’t Have To.

26 Aug

Lady Gaga VMA's

8pm: Oh my god, the show just started and I’m already watching Lady Gaga coming out of some sort of nun womb. I think this is going to be a great show.

8:01pm: I totally buy into Lady Gaga’s schtick. Watching her is like watching Rocky Horror Picture Show – I think it’s amazing and unique and entertaining, but it also kind of scares me. Admit it – Gaga scares you, too.

8:06pm: One Direction is hitting the stage. This year I am fully aware of who they are. My inner tween boy band soul ages backwards, so that’s why it was a year late to learn about them. Next year it learns about The Wanted.

8:08pm: Selena Gomez just won the first award and Bruno Mars politely looked like he’d like to politely slit her throat with a jagged piece of glass. If Alanis Morissette had enemies, they would use a jagged little pill. (Just some 1995 humor to break the ice).

8:16pm: Vanessa Bayer is doing her not very good Miley Cyrus impression that I love! Sometimes I accidentally take on words or phrases from mildly popular characters on SNL, and one example would be my over-use of “pretty cool.”

8:17pm: I don’t know what’s about to happen with (the real) Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke, but if Miley sticks that long tongue of hers out one more time, I might… I mean, I’ll continue watching. Who am I kidding. But she’s kind of a problem lately.

Miley Gif

8:18pm: I feel like this is an episode of Hannah Montana about a haircut that goes bad, and the shenanigans that ensue. And there was a mix-up with the costumes for her show, so she has to wear a leotard from her little sister’s dance recital. And this is a dream, which is why there are bears.

8:19pm: Drake won’t look up because he doesn’t want to accidentally catch a glimpse of Hannah Montana’s hoohah. And Rihanna, as usual, appears completely unimpressed. I love her.

8:20pm: Now Miley has stripped down to a bra and panties and is singing Blurred Lines along with Robin Thicke. This whole post might just be about these 5 minutes.

Miley and Robin Thicke Gif

8:23pm: Now they’re onto a whole other song and Miley is still there gyrating in her underwear, but now there’s a foam finger involved. Do you think she just refuses to leave the stage? Is this stage bombing?

8:24pm: Oh, I think Lil’ Kim is so darling. She’s so lil. And Kim.

8:27pm: Macklemore just won an award. This is his chance to tell us what Ryan Lewis’s job is, exactly.

8:37pm: Jared Leto! And he’s dressed like he just shot a scene from My So-Called Life!  Is Jared Leto introducing Kanye West? I feel like there must be a reason for that, and I intend on finding out. Wait, did Kanye play Brian Krakow? Now it’s all making sense.

8:48pm: Daft Punk is made up of two robots, Pharrell, and Rick James.

Daft Punk

8:49pm: Stay by Rihanna should win everything, but she’s up against Taylor Swift. There’s no beating Taylor. (Pause) Taylor just won, and the combination of her Great Gatsby look, along with her slightly older sounding voice makes me wonder if she went through puberty very recently. (Pause) Her teeth are kind of big. Does going through puberty in your early 20’s cause that to happen?

8:52pm: Aww, they added a “Social Message” category so they can give Macklemore an award for Same Love. I’m all for it. It’s a pretty incredible song.

9:03pm: Is Justin Timberlake performing the best of Justin Timberlake? Sign me up. I love him.

9:06pm: In another life, I think I was a back-up dancer for JT. I was the old bald one who keeps trying to steal his spotlight.

9:11pm: The ‘N Sync rumor is true! Here they all are! And say what you will about Joey Fatone, but he is busting a move right now. All of the teenage girls who are screaming in the audience were probably 5 when ‘N Sync was big, so I’m not sure they really understand what they’re cheering for. They just want him to play Mirrors now. I’m with you, my bitches. I’m with you.

9:18pm: An example of a side conversation that Dan and I have while the awards are on: (Dan): “Oh, they’re friends now? Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez? (Alex): “Um, they’re best friends. They’ve been BFF’s for a long time.” (D): “Like 1 or 2 years?” (A): “Uh, try 2 or 3 years.”

Taylor and Selena Gif

9:30pm: So, I do KNOW who One Direction is  now, but I have never heard the song Best Song Ever, and it just won the Best Song of the Summer category. Are their songs only played in London or Scotland or wherever they’re from? How could it beat Get Lucky and Blurred Lines? Disco and rape are huge right now!

9:36pm: You must have a heart of stone if you don’t love this Macklemore performance. Though I could live without Jennifer Hudson trying to one-up Mary Lambert. You won an Oscar AND you lost weight. We get it!

9:44pm: This Austin Mahone kid is adorable! Date him, Selena! Date him! He thanked God and was raised by a single mom. He’s just like the Biebs, but without all the naked selfies and nervous breakdowns. Where is Justin Bieber, by the way? Has anyone noticed that Austin Mahone and Justin Bieber have never been in the same room at the same time?* Coincidence? Doubtful.

9:49pm: Whenever I see Drake these days, all I can think about are Amanda Bynes’s tweets asking him to do some dirties, and then later calling him ugly. She did have some valid points.

9:55pm: Um, did anyone else see the commercial for CrazySexyCool: The TLC Story that will be airing on VH1 in October? I guess I’ll be busy all of October because I’ll be chasing down that waterfall all month long. Work would be the river and the lake that I’m used to, but I’ll have to skip that.

9:57pm: Bruno Mars is so short and so pretty.

10:15pm: Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Swoon McSwoony Swoon Swoonerson.

10:22pm: It started with Lady Gaga scaring us with her crazy eyes, and ended with Katy Perry scaring us with her pop-y boxing match choreography under the Brooklyn Bridge. I couldn’t have asked for more. Until next year, folks!

*I actually cannot prove that Austin Mahone and Justin Bieber have never been in the same room at the same time because this is the first time I’ve ever seen Austin Mahone. But I do think this is something to explore.

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