The Top Ten Reasons I Can’t Quit “The Bachelor.”

7 Jun

Posted by: Alex

Sean main picture

Every year I make the following announcement: “This will be the last season that I watch The Bachelor.” (Or The Bachelorette. I don’t discriminate). The producers always choose a person that I predicted would be the next Bachelor/Ette, but I never really like them. I make grand statements about how they will have the most boring season ever and it already takes up way too much of my time, so I am through! Then I twirl around in a circle, and while my dress blows effortlessly, I also announce that I’m Gone with the Wind fabulous.

But somehow ABC knows when all my other shows are on summer hiatus and that I am in desperate need of something mindless on a Monday night and they start airing a new season, right at my most vulnerable moment. Why must they do this to me?!? So I start to watch and then, like clockwork, I have a beer in one hand, a taco in the other, and the happiest grin on my face because I fucking love The Bachelor. Here are the top ten reasons that I can never quit this ridiculous program.

10. The introductions that keep getting worse and worse.

I admit that I haven’t been watching The Bachelor since the beginning, and I regret that. I wish an older, wiser person had advised me not go to grad school, and instead to watch more reality television but, alas, that never happened. Over the past 5 years that I have been watching, there is one trend that I’ve definitely noticed – the exit out of the limo, all the way to the first words said to the Bachelor/ette, have become increasingly awkward. And I live for this rehearsed moment of horrible. In the old days, 24 of them would just get out of the limo, introduce themselves, and say how excited they are to be there. They might drop a line about how nervous they are so they appear sensitive or whatever. There would always be one who would have some crazy entrance planned, like they would hop on a skateboard or drop to one knee and pretend to propose. Those were the crazy outliers. Now that’s the norm! If you just introduce yourself, you can guarantee that your camera time is gone, buddy. Now everyone tries to top the last season’s contestants by wearing a wedding dress or writing a romantic rap (“Hilary, you and me are meant to be. We’ll fall in love like the top of a tree. Go to school and dance with me. You are number one and that makes three.” They never make sense). Some of these meetings are hilariously funny and some are SO hard to watch. I’ve been known to cover my face because I physically can’t look at the train wreck that is happening on my screen. At the same time, this is exactly what draws me in and I love every second.

Nice to meet you! I brought my horse!

Nice to meet you! I brought my horse!

9. My predictions are always correct and this builds my cockiness and my self-esteem.

I don’t typically use this blog to brag, but I’m about to put an end to that right now. One of my gifts, that I try to keep under wraps because I don’t want people to get nervous around me, is that I can very accurately predict winners of reality television programs. There is simply a type of person who is meant to win these programs and I have a keen eye for them. I search the want ads every day for a job called Reality Television Winner Predictor, and I have yet to see an opening. But when there is one, boy, you best hope my resume isn’t updated properly and I don’t know how to upload the cover letter, otherwise you other fools will be played. Don’t believe me? The minute Emily Maynard opened her proper, southern mouth to introduce herself to Brad, I said, “she wins.” And did she win? YES. (This is when I would drop the mic and walk away, if we were together in real life).

8. The dates that involve risk-taking.

The producers of The Bachelor LOVE to create dates that involve something ridiculous like scaling down a tall building or bungee jumping or walking on the outside of a tall bridge, or whatever nonsense they can think of. They like it for two reasons: 1.They like the Bachelor to look like a hero who isn’t scared of anything. They always purposefully pair him up with some girly-girl who shivers and cries, so the big man can go over and tell her everything will be alright and then they hug and kiss at the bottom. 2. If it’s the Bachelorette, they can pair her up with some manly man who she can rely on, which shows her that he’ll guard and protect her heart (thank you, that guy who said this over and over), no matter what. I love it because someone inevitably says the phrase, “This is really scary, and you don’t know what’s going to happen, but that’s exactly what a relationship is like. You have to just jump in and trust them.” Actually, love doesn’t always involve daredevil stunts OR trusting some dude you met 3 days ago to catch you if your harness happens to break. P.S. I am lucky enough to be married to a non-risk taker, and thank god because if some idiot tried to get me to do some dumb ass thing on a date like bungee jump, I would be outta there so fast, your rose wouldn’t even make it on to the plate.

7. The one person who is not “in it for the right reasons.”

“He/she is not here for the right reasons”* has basically become the motto for this program. If 15 people do not say that phrase at least 50 times per episode, I’m disappointed. But clearly one of the best parts of the show is figuring out who the bad guy or gal is. And there is always one. We all know that the producers do background checks on these people, for the purpose of confirming that at least one has a significant other back home. Or they walk into a tiny bar and ask some fledgling musician if they want to be on the show because it will guarantee that said musician will play his music on air in the hopes of being discovered. Why it didn’t dawn on Jillian, after she heard Wes play the same song over and over in front of the camera, that he might be searching for stardom, and not love, is beyond me. But the Bachelor/ette  falls for them each and every time and it makes for good television. They’re just better than the person who is in it for the right reasons, but is batshit crazy. Only slightly better.

Batshit crazy.

Batshit crazy.

*Doing a shot every time you hear this phrase is a drinking game I just came up with. Patent pending!

6. The honeymoon suite.

If you think about it, this show is mondo disgusting. I mean, these people come on in order to make out with 25 people week after week. To some that may sound fun, but here’s what that means to me: MONO. No thanks. But then shit gets real when it gets to the top three, and they have the option to spend the night in the honeymoon suite. Well, technically, Chris Harrison offers them they key inside of a form letter used every season. It’s really nice that Chris has the time to go get the key from the front desk, write out the letter, and he probably has to clean the room before they get in there! What a sweetheart. When it gets to the magic moment, there are always a handful of women who turn it down because they think it makes them look like a slut. Listen, lady. You’ve been making out in a hot tub every night for a month, so I think we’re long past that. Use the key. I want them to do it, but when it actually happens, I’m like, Gross! Tomorrow they’ll go sleep with the other one, and last night they slept with that other one! So my feelings are mixed. Mostly, though, I feel really bad for the one that put out and then two days later gets dumped. Ouch!

5. The rose ceremony.

Oh, the drama! I can barely stand it! From the second they all line up, to the harrowing music, to the anticipation that has clearly been edited by good camera work at key moments, I love it all! The best part is always when they have one rose left and Chris Harrison has to come out and let everyone know there is one rose left. Yes, we see it there. I never really get that part, but it really draws out the excitement, so it works. Once the last decision has been made, it gets to the good part. The departed contestants get to “say their last goodbyes” and continue on to their post-dumped interview. Some are fine with it, and I hate those people. Just please get out of the way and make room for the psycho who will cry all the way to the airport about how this is their last chance at love and why won’t anyone ever love them. Or there are the ones who get SUPER angry, and you can just see the revenge in their eyes. They’re already planning for their After the Final Rose episode lash out at the evil Bachelor/ette. I sound so horrible, I realize, but come on. You’ve known this person for two cocktail party’s worth of time, and you’re a 23 year-old marketing entrepreneur, whatever that means. You’ll be fine.

It's all fun and games now, ladies, but two of you will soon be booted, one will be proposed to, then that proposal will be rescinded, and then he'll pick another one of you. So drink up now.

It’s all fun and games now, ladies, but two of you will soon be booted, one will be proposed to, then that proposal will be rescinded, and then he’ll pick another one of you. So drink up now.

4. Chris Harrison

I kind of get a kick out of Chris Harrison. First of all, kudos on getting what might be the best job on earth. You get to watch train wrecks for weeks on end, be the therapist to the Bachelor/ette, and ask all sorts of uncomfortable questions on the After the Rose special. He is just laughing all the way to the bank, man. Way to go, Chris Harrison! You are my hero!

3. The tell-all special, the After the Final Rose special, the wedding special, and every other special.

I don’t know of any other show that has so brilliantly cashed in on a successful idea more than The Bachelor. They know how to draw out a motherfucker! First we get a preview show, then the actual show, then a tell-all special, then the After the Final Rose special which airs right after the finale. Then they put on and film the wedding of the two couples that have actually stayed together. Not to mention the popular spin-off, The Bachelor Pad! It’s genius. And do you know why? Because people like me watch every single second of it like it’s a life requirement. And without a doubt, I will also read some blog recap the next day that tells me about everything that I just watched. What is wrong with me?

2. The final decision

Let’s set the scene: There are two ladies left. They are adorned in their best pageant dresses and they are ready to get into the helicopter that will take them to the limo that will take them to some weird island with an abnormally long path which they will be forced to walk extraordinarily slowly on because they are wearing unrealistically high heels. The first girl will walk up to the love of her life – her future husband. He looks her in the eye with so much emotion, you want to cry. And then he says to her, in the sweetest voice he can muster up, “You are one of the best people that I’ve ever met in my life. It’s been so wonderful to get to know you and to meet your family and to sleep with you and to take you away from your job for the last month and a half and to let you tell me how much you love me and to go on all those helicopter rides with you that for some reason you weren’t expecting, but I have a stronger connection with someone else.” And that’s it! They’re done! It’s dunzo for her! It’s pretty brutal, and I do feel really bad for them, but there’s just so much suspence and awkardness! Let’s not beat around the bush – I love it.

1. My cold heart really wants these people to find love.

What can I say? I’m a cynic on the outside, but inside I just want people to be happy and to fall in love and get married and make cute babies and be together forever. I know every word to Sleepless in Seattle for god’s sakes. What do you expect?

I hope these two last forever!

I hope these two last forever!

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