Awful (un)Paid Advertising, Brought to you by Broadcouching

8 Feb
"You're not having fun time if commercials are your favorite part of anything." - Jennifer Lawrence on Conan 2/5/13

“You’re not having fun if commercials are your favorite part of anything.” – Jennifer Lawrence on Conan 2/5/13

Posted by: mthep

In case the Super Bowl was successful in fooling you into thinking that commercials could be cool, listen to my (imaginary) friend up there, and let me remind you that even at their best, they still deserve to be qualified as “pretty good… for a commercial.” They’re loud, obnoxious, and always break into your show just as it’s getting good.

The Super Bowl may be the one time of year commercials are celebrated, but just like your socially conscious hippy aunt reminds you about the real Thanksgiving when all you want to do is eat some mashed potatoes, I’m here to remind you about the real commercials when you’re just trying to watch Amy Poehler work her magic in an attempt to revive a dying mega corporation.

5. Coca-Cola: “Cameras”

This one isn’t so much bad, as it is super-duper creepy. Yes, I understand that this is Blair Witch-style “found footage,” but the whole peace&love message gets bogged down by the creepy Big Brother overtones. I just want to continue living my life in blissful ignorance and purposeful denial that everywhere I go, I’m being recorded. Thanks, Coca-Cola, for the reminder that we are ALWAYS BEING WATCHED so I’d better be committing random acts of kindness, and not just picking out my wedgie when I think nobody’s looking.

This was the only part of Blair Witch that didn't scare me, because I honestly thought he was just peeing in the corner.

This was the only part of Blair Witch that didn’t scare me, because I honestly thought he was just peeing in the corner.

4. Lincoln: “Once Upon a Tweet”

So which one of your interns recommended that you “crowd-source” your commercial in an effort to “monetize and incentivize” your “target market”? Or something. I hope that you at least made that same person sift through all the misspelled, grammar-wreck @replies you received as well-deserved punishment. Not even the millisecond appearance by Wil Wheaton improved this ad. If this is your normal car commercial, then that was your commercial on Tweets. Any questions?

3. Budweiser Black Crown: “Coronation”

Budweiser, please do yourselves a favor and just stick with your target audience; people who don’t like the taste of beer. You’re really good at advertising to those people using the time-honored trifecta of boobs, butts, and bros. I don’t know who you think is going to buy this “beer with taste,” because those rich, goth, hipsters you portrayed don’t actually exist. And even if they did, they would be drinking Absinthe – not Budweiser. Not even ironically.

I couldn't decide which one proved my point the best, so you get to collect all 4!

I couldn’t decide which one proved my point the best, so you get to collect all 4!

2. Two Broke Girls: “Spectacular”

Kat Dennings, why you gotta go and do me like this? Although I admit I haven’t followed your career that closely, I did enjoy the few roles I saw you in; a sassy teenager in 40 Year Old Virgin, a sassy teenager in Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, and a science-y sassy young adult in Thor. Over the years, I read a few articles about you, and did that thing where I made up in my mind what you’re like in real life. But the Kat I invented in my imagination is better than this. Imaginary Kat could have been the younger generation’s very own Janeane Garofalo-esque role model, but sadly, I see now that’s not meant to be. And I’m no Ruth Buzzi standing here.

Me too Kat, me too.

Me too Kat, me too.

1. GoDaddy: “Perfect Match”

Look, we all know that GoDaddy is “the grand champion of sexist advertising“, so I wasn’t expecting to like their ad. I started watching with a morbid curiosity, wondering how bad it could possibly be this time. I was not expecting, however, that I would soon become involuntarily curled up in a cringing fetal position, ears plugged, begging my boyfriend to please, please find the remote and make the awful noises stop. GoDaddy, you are the worst. I imagine that your offices closely resemble those of Bro Body Douche, and I sincerely hope that your corporate empire will one day be trampled by elephants.

That's what you said.

That’s what you said.

2 Responses to “Awful (un)Paid Advertising, Brought to you by Broadcouching”

  1. elise February 8, 2013 at 11:10 am #

    Mmm…it looks like I didn’t miss much when I decided to watch anything other than the super bowl.

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