Daytime TV is Sucking my Soul

20 Dec

Posted by: Alex

As some of you know (well, all of you, probably, since anyone reading this is most likely my friend from high school who is also on Facebook), I made a baby about a month ago. I haven’t had a lot of time to write a blog post in the last month, but I have had plenty of time to watch an absurd amount of daytime television. And while the baby is napping, I finally have a minute to say the following to all of you working people: daytime television is absolutely horrid and it makes me feel physically uncomfortable. I’ve decided to channel not only my crazy and erratic hormones, but also one of my favorite television personalities, Andy Rooney, in order to fully express myself in the following paragraphs.

Do you know that Whoopi Goldberg used to be an actress? And Barbara Walters used to be a respected journalist?

Do you know that Whoopi Goldberg used to be an actress? And Barbara Walters used to be a respected journalist?

Whenever I was home on normal vacation days, I would maybe wake up and watch a little something annoying to start my day, like The View. I was in such good spirits because I had my whole fun day ahead of me, usually filled with coffee shop sitting and magazine reading and daytime drinking, that I found it amusing to watch Elisabeth Hasselbeck make an absolute fool of herself. But now I have a baby, and that baby seems to do nothing but eat and sleep all day, so once I’m done checking Facebook on my phone for the 1000th time, and I have successfully pinned 20 things on Pinterest that I will definitely never look at again, I am forced to watch The View for hobby. And all of a sudden, Elisabeth is no longer funny. She is depressing. She is depressing because instead of feeling like Elisabeth needs me, it feels like I need Elisabeth. And I really strongly dislike Elisabeth, if I haven’t made that obvious.

I don’t know what it is about daytime television that makes me the most angry. It could be the complete lack of authenticity of every host of a daytime talk show. Kelly Ripa is so full of shit that if she could just expel it, she would have 0% body fat instead of the 2% she’s currently holding on to. She should rue the day she forced Regis into the arms of Rachael Ray. Michael Strahan is the worst, and they spend the entire 60 minutes fakely loving each other and poorly interviewing guests. Even Ellen bothers me. She gives stuff away like Oprah, and the audience just screams and screams for the whole hour. They scream when Ellen dances, they scream when she gives them some Disney dvd, they scream when the guest dances. All I hear is screaming. It’s like when I go to the mall and all I hear is the loud dance music in Forever 21 and I’m forced to leave immediately like the 80 year old woman that I am. And don’t even get me started about Rachael Ray. I have no words for that woman. Her voice volume should be illegal. (I seriously feel like Andy Rooney has taken over my hands. He is ghostwriting this from his grave).

One is little and one is big!

One is little and one is big!

I unfortunately no longer like soap operas (although I used to be obsessed with Days of Our Lives and I’ve caught a few moments of it. Every character is still on there! And they look amazing!), and I hate those court shows. I don’t want to watch CNN all day and I don’t care for those legal crime shows that are on constantly, like Law and Order and CSI: Switzerland (is that right? Or are they still in Miami?). I’m not a huge movie fan, and although I like cartoons, I prefer the ones made for the over 2 years old group. That leaves me with very few options, my friends. Now, I know what some of you might be thinking: why don’t you just turn the TV off and read a book or something? Here’s my response to that: And miss the potential of Kathie Lee saying something embarrassing on the fourth hour of the Today Show? Are you crazy?

6 Responses to “Daytime TV is Sucking my Soul”

  1. Jim Gilland December 20, 2012 at 12:50 pm #

    As the father of a two year old, I want to warn you: you’d better find some under-2-year-old movies you can like, as well as your baby! F’rinstance, I still tear up some after the 30th viewing of “Lilo and Stitch”, which I never even SAW before my son was born.

    The alternative my wife seems to have chosen is to record episodes of “Real Housewives” of whatever cities in which CSI chooses to practice.

  2. Miriam December 20, 2012 at 1:58 pm #

    Pretty much everything you ever say is true but the dislike of Ellen? That’s the hormones talking my friend.

  3. mthep December 27, 2012 at 12:38 pm #

    whenever i’m home sick, my silver lining is always, “i get to watch tv all day!” but then 11 AM sets in, and the networks become a vast sea of soap operas, courtrooms, and paid advertisements for those weird one-size fits all sports bras. and when you think of it, it’s actually pretty offensive that networks think that this is the kind of crap women who are stuck at home during the day want to watch. netflix streaming is where it’s at!

    • athed December 28, 2012 at 12:50 pm #

      Jim – these are great ideas. What I really need to do is save my Real Housewives like your wife does. I just get so excited!

      Miriam – so much screaming!

      MtheP – it’s weird we don’t have Netflix, isn’t it. It is.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. “Parenthood,” My Dysfunctional Second Family. | broadcouching - November 14, 2013

    […] watched a lot of shitty daytime television (please see my post about said shitty daytime television here) and that just made me feel really lonely and sad and dirty. I decided that I needed a fresh […]

  2. What Was I Doing in the Early 2000’s? | broadcouching - April 13, 2015

    […] Ripa never quite did it for me, and I started detesting daytime television because it sucked my insides away and melted them into a million little pieces (another side note: […]

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