MTV VMAs, Minute by Minute

6 Sep

Posted by: Alex


7pm – It’s starting! I’m so excited. I need to remember this feeling when I get bored and irritated later on.

7:01pm – It’s Rihanna! I love you so much, Rihanna. I don’t know what I feel about your outfit, though. Wait, I do know – it’s pretty ugly. P.S. “We Found Love” was the best pop song of the year. There is simply no arguing this. It’s fact.

7:06pm – I don’t think small people being a part of gags is ever funny. Other people do, though, so I’m sure its legacy will never end. And who is Kevin what’s his name?

7:07pm – Oh, it’s Kevin Hart. He is the host. He just told me.

7:10pm – That Jersey Shore man is so excited that Snooki is being talked about right now. Jersey Shore got cancelled, so every minute of attention counts now, folks.

7:13pm – Way to go, Katy Perry. You show that nasty greaseball Russell Brand that you are over him. Now you’re on to that greaseball John Mayer. Way to…go.

7:15pm – Who the fuck are One Direction? And are they Irish or British?* Shouldn’t they have agreed on an accent before they went on stage?

7:24pmDwight Howard is so comically tall. And did every NBA player become a Laker this year? Are there any other teams left? There better be, because I hate me some Lakers.

7:26pm – Well, look at Miley being an individual! Well played, Hannah Montana, well played.

7:27pm – Pretty sure Pink did this swinging from the ceiling thing last year. We get it. You’re not scared of heights. Or of dying a tragic death at an MTV awards show.

7:38pmZoe Saldana is presenting Frank Ocean like she’s presenting an Academy Award nomination. I bet she knows that this is the closest she’ll ever get to the Academy Awards. I’ll throw you a bone for that one, Zoe.

7:40pm – I love you, Frank Ocean. Please don’t walk backwards and accidentally set yourself on fire because your set is on fire.

7:51pm – I just realized I’ve never seen any video that is nominated for an award. I’m pretty sure it’s because no one plays videos anymore. The irony is not lost on me, MTV.

7:53pmDrake is Jewish?!? Love him! (That’s what Jewish people say when they find out someone else is Jewish)

8:02pm – Other celebrities do not seem enthused about One Direction. And Zoe Saldana is still confused as to which awards show she’s at.

8:05pm – Don’t act so shocked, Nicki Minaj. You didn’t just win a Grammy, you won an MTV award. And who are these escorts with you?!?

8:15pm – If you just wore a belt, Lil Wayne, you wouldn’t need to hold your pants up when you jump around like that.

8:24pm – Rihanna looks so unimpressed with everything and everyone. She’s so cool, right? I’m unimpressed too, Rihanna! Look at me not caring like you don’t care!

8:28pm – I don’t think Billie Joe Armstrong thought out this letting the audience come on stage with him thing. He looks like he’s being suffocated. And didn’t he just get out of the hospital? This crowd isn’t afraid of sick germs, apparently.

8:29pm – Oh, RIP Adam Yauch.

8:34pm – How interesting. Kristen Stewart seems to be suspiciously absent from the Twilight cast. Staying faithful to Robert Pattison looks pre-tty good right now doesn’t it, Kristen.

8:36pm – Look at Ke$ha classying it up! And that skinny man next to her, who I think is Dave Chappelle in costume, is having a baby with Kanye West’s ex-girlfriend who does the vodka commercials? My world is upside down.

8:37pm – Oh god, it’s that One Direction again.

8:44pm – It’s the Fab Five! They talk like little mouses.

8:48pm – Holy shit! Gabby Douglas is doing a gymnastics routine during Alicia Keys’ performance! I bet the other mice are so jealous..

8:55pm – The show is almost over?!? I thought awards shows were all 4-5 hours. And they only gave out 3 awards, all of which were won by One Direction. I’m as confused as Zoe Saldana.

8:56pm – Hell yes, “We Found Love” won video of the year. That’s what I’m talkin about. And could Rihanna be more perfect looking?

8:58pm – Does it seem weird to anyone else that the show is closing on Taylor Swift? It’s kind of anti-climactic. Oh, but you’re so cute, Taylor. I take it back. And I really love your very literal lyrics that sound like a 13 year old is reading her diary in song form. And she stage dove! I’m impressed, Taylor. I am.

9pm – Well, that was the highlight of my week. I just switched channels and I’m looking at Joe Biden, which is really confusing to my senses right now. When does One Direction come out?

*According to Wikipedia, One Direction is a British-Irish boy band. Well, how convenient.

2 Responses to “MTV VMAs, Minute by Minute”

  1. Kristi September 7, 2012 at 7:49 pm #

    This was so helpful seeing as I wasn’t able to watch the awards show myself. Can you please do this for all awards shows? Thank you.

  2. athed September 10, 2012 at 10:56 am #

    I absolutely can!

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